So over break I took the time to apply for a lot of internships and I do mean a lot. I lost count after 30 or so and I’m still slowly sending in more applications. An opportunity presented itself for me to intern during the semester and I thought, why not. At first I was pretty sold on taking a full schedule of classes, really focusing on my grades and finally getting into the jschool (I am junior after all). But alas, here I am, at midnight, giving up on my reading for the night and telling myself I should drop a class and just take another one online.
I’ve never really liked school at all. I’ve always been pretty okay at it (B average every year) but I’ve always hated it. I hate what it stands for. I hate that an A means I’m worthy of praise, but a B raises the question “Did we slack off towards the end?” I hate that I can be damn near failing a class all semester and when I pull it up to a C (something I was proud of) I’m told “not good enough” (the class average was a C-/D+ by the way).
I’ve never felt as dumb as I have since coming to college. I’ll admit, part of it is the laziness, but another part is, teachers just don’t care. I’ve had maybe 2 teachers during my collegiate career that I really, truly felt like they wanted me to succeed, every other one was just waiting for the 16 weeks to be over, and I can’t blame them. We as students show up to class, read, participate and study not because we actually give a crap about our fragile beaches, but because we want that A. We want to succeed and of course an A is equated with being smart and successful and driven (which if you didn’t know by now is a crock of BS).
You see, as a pre-journalism student at Mizzou I am told that I can’t get credit (or land) internships that are worthy of college credit because I haven’t taken my core sequence classes, but here I am, a pre-j student, with a new internship with Inside Columbia Magazine. I’ll admit, I’m a little intimidated by the other interns, they’re magazine journalism majors, they’ve worked in a newsroom besides Mizzou’s student run newspaper and their high school publication. I haven’t. But I’m there. And I’m there for a reason. Something made me stick out of the bunch and I’m sick of doubting myself because I don’t have straight As or I’m not in the J-school.
I go back and forth every day on whether or not I should be here, at Mizzou, pursuing a journalism degree and it just doesn’t feel right. I don’t love what I’m learning and frankly, I just don’t care anymore. It isn’t fair for me to be taking a seat in classes that I don’t care about because there is some kid studying his or her butt off in high school to be an automatically admitted student into the Missouri School of Journalism. I wasn’t that kid, I’m still not.
I’m not interested in graduating late from a school that I don’t care about. I feel like I have out grown Missouri and fallen out of love with journalism. I still love to write, but I don’t know, something has changed. It makes me sad, but why stay in a program that makes me unhappy.
Maybe I’ve just had a long day and all these feelings are clouding my judgment, but enough of being on the fence, it’s time to make some serious decisions.