future

Honesty & Growth

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” -Jeremiah 29:11

I have a lot of friends on Facebook who like to share praise reports and I’m thankful for them because they remind me and others of the great things God does for us. But so often I find myself reading these praise reports on my newsfeed and wanting to know more. What did God bring you through? What scripture did you read? Do you have a Spotify playlists of uplifting songs to recommend?

Maybe I’m nosey  I am definitely nosey. But God puts us through tests, so we can share our testimony! Everyone isn’t going to want to share all of their business and I understand that. But I told myself if I was going to make this blog all about me and my life, I was going to do it right. And for me, the only way to do it right is to be honest.

I’m being tested right now. My faith is being tested, my mind, my willingness to succeed. I feel like I’m being attacked in every aspect of my life. It’s like the world is saying “Welcome to adulthood Brittany, not as great as you imagined is it?”

No, it certainly isn’t.

But I think about the past few months and although it’s hard, I am thankful for how close my struggle has brought me to God. Before losing my job I was pretty unhappy. For so long I had dreamed of moving to a city on my own and taking it by storm. I wasn’t worried about making friends or even failing because I just knew I wouldn’t. So to be in the position I am now is hard. I feel like a failure. I heard about stories of job loss, loss of a loved one and other tragedies, and how it brings a person closer to God and I foolishly thought that somehow I would be exempt from that pain, that I’d never experience it simply because of who I am.

But I am nothing without Him. I didn’t wake up this morning without Him, I haven’t been able to make ends meet for the past few months without Him. Everything that I have and everything that I don’t have is because of God. Although I believed in Him when I had my job, when I was in college and even growing up, I did not believe that what I had was because of Him, but rather because of me. I couldn’t see that it was His grace and mercy that allowed me to be so blessed.

I believe it is impossible for us to know what we’ve got until it’s gone. I was in a place that made me unhappy, that I dreaded going to every day, and so I complained and had a nasty attitude. I was not thankful for the fact that I had a place to live, food to eat, clothes to wear, a reliable car to drive and a consistent flow of money, so I lost it.

I know God has something better in store for me. His word says so. He has plans to prosper us and not harm us (Jeremiah 29:11). But we can’t receive a blessing we aren’t ready for. That our hearts are not ready for.

I’ve always been told that God takes us through hard times, so that we draw near to Him and in the past three months, I have. I’ve spent more time with God than ever before and I’ve watched myself changed. I’m more positive, I start my day off with prayer and devotion, and in the last few weeks I’ve taken the time to pray for people who have hurt me.

Don’t get me wrong, I still have a long way to go, but I thank God for how He has grown me during this tough time. And even though I can’t see it, I know better days are ahead!

Let Him do the same for you, submit to Him, talk to Him. Tell Him what is on your mind. Seek Him and trust that He’s got it all figured out. If you’re not sure where to start Bible.com just launched their new website and it is fantastic! So if you’re a person who want’s to read devotions on your laptop or home computer, you can just go to the website, they’ve got a lot of great devotionals as well as multiple versions of the Bible. So check it out!

God Bless,

-BK

 

 

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What am I doing?

Tuesday night around 10 p.m. I turned in my final paper, which meant I was officially done with junior year. After a sigh of relief and an hour or two of catching up on TV shows I’d missed, an unsettling feeling came over me. 

I’m a senior. I’m a senior in college. A moment I have been waiting for since I went to freshman orientation as a senior in high school, but now it’s here and I don’t even know what to do with it. 

Of course I want to live it up, go out with friends (I did just turn 21 after all) lose my voice at football games, find the craziest outfit to wear for Halloween and just celebrate, but that also means I have to start getting realistic about life after college.

After my first semester at Mizzou I said there was no way I would consider graduate school, or law school or anything similar, but after spending a bit more time here, looking at the field I want to go into and seeing who’s where I want to be and what they did to get there, I’m realizing grad school, might be inevitable, which is fine, but then that brings up the questions of, where? 

How do I even begin looking for grad schools or jobs for that matter? I’ll admit I’ve been on LinkedIn a lot more this semester than ever before and I’m proud of my ability to continuously update it, but what if that isn’t enough to get me a job?

I spent my 5 week long winter break apply for internships, a little over 30 internships and I maybe got a response or an interview for half of them, and of that I got offers from just about all of them, which is promising I guess (if you’re wondering, I decided to be a brand ambassador for Dell and Mosaic). But here I am, on my bedroom floor in my parents house wondering what’s next, wondering if what I have done the past three years is enough to get me a job or into graduate school. 

The reality is, out of all of my senior friends graduating, one of them has a job, one of them has a plan, the rest of them are spending their summer in Columbia like me. That terrifies me. I don’t want that for myself, I don’t even want that for them. They’re too talented. Unfortunately (and I’ve found that people in comfortable well paying jobs don’t like hearing this) that’s the reality of a graduating senior in the world today.

Then there are my friends who took a different route. Who decided to enter the military or take classes at a local college and work to save up money. Those friends, specifically my best friend, is getting married in two months. Oh yeah and I’m a bridesmaid. I never thought at 21 she’d be getting married and I’d be standing right beside her in support, I mean it’s crazy right? It makes me wonder what I’m doing wrong.

Now when I run into classmates from high school who stayed behind in Fishers they are married, or engaged or pregnant and when they ask what I’ve been doing, my mind goes blank and I choke out a “Oh you know classes, work, looking for an internship haha one more year!” It sounds normal, it sounds like I’m doing fine and if I’d just sit down and breathe, I’d realize that I totally am. I just finished an amazing semester, I’m VP of an organization on campus, co-founder of another, I had an amazing internship where I learned a lot and I’m working for Dell this summer! Those are all pretty awesome, but for some reason I feel that they won’t be enough, which makes me think, what am I doing? 

I guess this post wasn’t meant to have a resolution at the end. This isn’t a 30 minute sitcom on TBS or ABC Family where all the issues are resolved until the following weeks episode. This is my life and I’m hoping the question of what I’m doing will be revealed to me as the next year unfolds.