God

Under Construction

Under construction. That seems to be the theme of my life right now. I’m in between jobs, not loving the city that I’m in (not even really liking it) and so confused about what God wants me to do.

I’ve been reading my Bible and praying every day searching for an answer, but I feel like I’m not listening hard enough. Or maybe God is giving me an answer and I just don’t like it.

You know, I read all these articles every day about “How to be successful as a 20 something” or “The 3 keys to success by your 30’s” and a lot of other crappy headlines that are crafted by writers like me to get those who have felt that they have lost their way (also like me) to click the link and hopefully share the article.

The truth is, no 500 hundred word article is going to have the exact answers I’m looking for. No amazingly successful 25 year old can tell me what I need to do in order to be successful. All I can really do is pray and trust God. And currently, that answer is truly driving me insane.

I realize I’m all over the place in this post so far, but just bare with me.

It seems like I give this blog some love and then leave it, I give it some more love, and leave it again and so this time around I asked God “What should I be writing, what should this blog be about?” and while I was home for the holidays visiting Light of the Word Christian Church (if you’re in Indy, check them out!) I got my answer.

I have sat through countless sermons where the pastor tells the congregation that we all have gifts that God gives us and I’ve been lucky enough to know that mine is writing for most of my life. I remember being five years old and saying I wanted to be an author and an illustrator. Now I’m not too crazy about writing and drawing children’s book anymore, but I do still want to write. So I listened to all those sermons and I wrote more the second half of 2015. I got published in Elite Daily and more clips from Thought Catalog, I wrote for Barkley’s blog, published my first think piece on LinkedIn and I even started and finished my first novel. What a blessing!

But here I am, a week or so into the new year with some serious writers block. Actually, some serious life block (is that even a thing?). Every thing is up in the air right now and guys, I’m scared, I really am. I’m excited about what God has in store for me, but I’m terrified too because I like to control things and right now, there are just somethings that are really outside of my control.

So I kept praying the same prayer because the word says to “pray without ceasing,” (1 Thessalonians 5:17).

On the first Sunday of the new year Dr. David Hampton preached about how to grow the church. He said one of our main missions as Christians, is to bring sinners to Christ and I’ve been thinking about how I can do that ever since.

Personally, I do not think I’ve been called to preach, I’m not a fan of crowds, or public speaking and I’m not the best at uplifting people, so the thought of teaching a Sunday School class, or preaching to a congregation isn’t for me. But I am a writer and I do like sharing what I’ve been through in hopes that it will help someone else.

So, that’s what I’m going to do.

I have a lot of doubts, I’m not sure what’s particularly exciting about my life. (I feel like you all will soon realize the answer is nothing.) However, if I can use this blog to be really raw and honest about my walk with Christ, I think I’ll be doing something right.

As for my professional life, I’m currently freelancing in Kansas City and it’s a move I made a lot sooner than I wanted to, but it is what it is. All I can say is, pray for me friends. My 20’s so far have been a bit bumpy, but it’s all been worth it and I know that there is nothing I can’t do without Him on my side!

God Bless,

-BK 

Advertisements

Easter Sunday + Convo with Common

I promised myself that I was going to write more, I had tons of ideas and titles picked out for future posts, but I just wasn’t feeling it. I felt like it was something I had to do. I felt like it would impress future employers or teachers and so I’d start a blog post, get about a quarter of the way through and then say “I’ll come back to it,” (spoiler alert I never did).

I have wanted to write ever since I was in kindergarten, it was an outlet for me. In class, when we were asked what we wanted to be when we grew up I always proudly said an author and an illustrator (which are pretty big words for a kindergartner if you ask me). I even came to Mizzou convinced that I was going to be the greatest editor-in-chief to graduate from the journalism school. Now I’m 30 something days away from walking across that stage and I’m not even graduating with a journalism degree. In fact, I’m more confused than ever about what I actually want to do with my life.

I came to a point where I just got sick of writing and the more people said “but you’re so good at it!” the more I wanted nothing to do with it. I can’t even say why, I’m not sure why. What I was writing just didn’t excite me anymore and they weren’t inspiring anyone else so I thought there was no point.

David and I went to Kansas City for Easter weekend. I always get really homesick during Easter, so I thought getting out of town might help (it didn’t–I now know that no matter where I end up in life, I will need to go home for Easter). We visited New Vision Christian Church. Before the service started I was on my phone, messing around with my LinkedIn, which as you can imagine I have become obsessed with since I am looking for a job post grad. I was looking over my applications that I had sent in via the LinkedIn app and some were really strong and some weren’t as strong. I knew I had been applying to a job for the sake of getting a job, but I hadn’t realized to the extent that I had been doing so. When I got to the bottom of the list a window popped up and said “You have applied for 48 jobs.”

My mouth dropped, I knew that number was only the jobs I had applied to on the app. That didn’t include the 20+ jobs I had applied to via other websites. How could I have applied for that many jobs and had no luck? My mind raced with thoughts of friends who have connections, or who are putting their eggs all in one basket and hoping it works out. I thought of classmates who are in schools at Mizzou that have job placement and ones who refuse to look for any jobs that aren’t in a certain city or state and in that moment, as church was starting I got so frustrated. Pissed even. I had been so open with my search. I had applied for jobs in almost every major (and not so major) city. I didn’t know what I was doing wrong and I wasn’t sure what God was trying to teach me. Even worse I felt (and still feel) like no one understood what I was going through, even though I am surrounded by graduating seniors.

As the sermon started I tried to brush all the thoughts I was having off and just enjoy what was being preached on. The pastor preached out of Philippians, one of my favorite books of the Bible. He read the letter Paul wrote from jail (Philippians 3:4-11) where he talked about his status in society and how none of that matters if he does not have Jesus in his life. The pastor went on to preach about how some Christians may feel like there is something missing in their lives, how we need to seek God out more, stay prayed up through the good and the bad and read the bible daily.

But that’s not really what spoke to me. There was a point in the sermon where the pastor paused and he admitted he wasn’t sure why he was saying what he was about to say, but that God was speaking through him and someone in the room needed to hear it. He said (and this is not word for word) “Someone in here is a writer. One of you can write, you can write beautifully the way Paul wrote and you are not using the gift that God gave you.”

He went on to talk about how words can change people, how the Bible changes lives daily. He then said “Whoever I am speaking to, spend some more time in the word, spend more time writing and see if God doesn’t change your life.”

I without a doubt believe he was speaking to me. I believe God was speaking through him. I left church feeling so inspired, with plans to finish all the blog spots I had started as well as write new ones. But then homesickness took over, and by the time David and I got back to Columbia, I was tired and sad and I just didn’t want to do anything, so I didn’t.

For the next few days I spent free time working on homework assignments, watching Netflix, pretty much doing anything, but writing. Then last night, my boyfriend David got us tickets to hear Common speak on the topic of greatness.

common

His speech focused on finding your path, what you’re good at and love and letting it change your life. The moment he started talking about our path, writing is what came to my mind. All my life I’ve told myself that I was going to be a great writer. I didn’t know what I was going to write, or where or how, but I thought that was the path God had for me and so I was going to do it. I realize I’m lucky to have realized the gift that God gave me at such a young age. It’s never changed for me, it’s always been writing. I just needed a reminder.

Writing may not be what I get my first job in, I may never actually have a job description that is solely writing, but I definitely think it’s the first step to something bigger for me. But the pastor was right, how can I find out what that something bigger is if I don’t pray about it, read the Bible more and write. It’s not going to be easy by any means, I’m balancing so many things, but I truly believe making an effort to pray more, read the bible more and write more will bring me happiness.

If you’ve been lucky enough to find your calling already, live in it, do it with purpose and if you haven’t yet, spend some time alone reflecting, or with God or whatever high being you believe in. Trust that there is something out there that you can do amazingly well. And in the words of Common: “Find your path. Love your path. Believe in your path.”